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Kia Stephens


March 30, 2015

True Confessions of a Recovering HATER: Part III

March 30, 2015 | By | 27 Comments

While surfing the web one day I stumbled across Gabrielle Union’s 2013 interview with Oprah Winfrey.  The topic of discussion was an acceptance speech Union Gave at Essence Magazine’s Black Women in Hollywood pre-Oscars luncheon.  As her peers sat stunned Gabrielle used that major platform to expose her “mean girl” behavior.

“We live in a town that rewards pretending and I have been pretending to be fierce and fearless for a very long time. . . I used to shrink in the presence of other dope beautiful women.  I used to revel in gossip and rumors and I lived for the negativity inflicted upon my sister actresses or anyone – that I felt –  whose shine diminished my own.  I took joy in people’s pain and I tap danced on their misery. . . It’s easy to pretend to be fierce and fearless because living your truth takes real courage. Real fearless and fierce women admit mistakes and they work to correct them.  We stand up and we use our voices for things other than self promotion. . . Real fierce and fearless women celebrate and compliment other women and we recognize and embrace the notion that their shine in no way diminishes our light and that it actually makes our light shine brighter.

Union’s speech aimed the spotlight on Hollywood, but being a HATER is a universal ill.  Deeply rooted in fear and insecurity it spreads like a viral disease; but there is a cure.  In the previous blog post we identified 3 steps we can take on the journey to becoming a reformed hater. This brings us to – what I think is – one of the most difficult and equally powerful components on this road to recovery.

Step 4: After You Own It Confess It Too

In the comfort of our brain we become anesthetized to jealousy. We justify it as a not-so-bad-sin in comparison to murder and adultery.  But make no mistake – it is sin – and viewed the same in God’s sight. We must allow ourselves to feel the weight of our behavior by exposing the truth.

I am not saying let’s all sit across from Oprah and confess our sins on a large platform.  Confession is delicate and cannot be done haphazardly.  I am saying find a TRUSTED, SAFE, and WISE  accountability partner you can be gut ugly with. (If you don’t have one there are some helpful suggestions in the resource tab of this website.)

It is difficult mustering up the courage to share your faults with someone else, but this single act breaks the power of sin in our lives.  I experienced this power firsthand when I confessed to the person whom I had been jealous of.  Yes, it is embarrassing to admit, but this thorn in my flesh has progressed beyond mere strangers and ventured into the realm of close friendships.

In fact, as I was preparing for this series my mind was bombarded with guilt regarding  jealous thoughts I had towards a long time friend.  Fearing my honesty would cost the friendship, I took a risk and told her how I struggled for years concerning her.  It was humbling, to say the least, but I got through it – and afterwards, I felt like something broke inside my soul.

A weight.
A habit.  
Sins grip.

True Confessions Meme 7

Author and pastor, Andy Stanley gives a compelling argument for confession in his book, It Came From Within.

“The reason you still feel guilty about things in your past is because they are still unresolved.  Telling God you are sorry doesn’t resolve your guilt because God was not the only offended party.  Talking to God is not enough.  Your burden of guilt won’t be lifted until you confess to the offended party.  Then, and only then, can you live out in the open,  Only then will you be free from the secrets that have formed walls between you and the people you love most.


Thankfully, she graciously accepted my apology and we moved on.  I wish I could promise you confession will be smooth; I can’t.  What I can say is – as someone who has had to confess more times than I’d like to admit – I know God will strengthen you to do what must be done.  James 5:16 says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”  And as we confess our sins we can take comfort in knowing we are completely loved and accepted by God.

Our jealous actions are not enough to keep God from loving us. “. . . I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.” Romans 8: 37 – 39 (MSG)  




  1. Sammie Barosy

    “AMEN” Very well written.

  2. I experienced this type of confession with my high school nemesis. I wish I could say I opened the door to conversation. Anytime the topic of forgiveness came up, her face was front and center in my mind. The tragedy of jealous behavior is that I missed out on a good friend and fellow cheerleader of faith for many years. Thank you for the challenge of not only confronting but confessing.

    • Yes, Samantha I could not agree with you more regarding jealousy and its impact on our friendships. May we be women who courageously confess and expose this sin when it impacts our relationships. Be blessed! – Kia

  3. Such great truth! Confession is hard, for sure. And you are right- our unwillingness to deal with it causes a guilt that can eat us up inside. Thank you for sharing this candid post today. It is a much needed lesson for us all:)
    Kristine recently posted…How to Talk to Our Kids about State TestsMy Profile

    • Kristine, thanks for visiting today. I have definitely been eaten up by guilt more times than I’d like to admit. Confession is difficult but so needed. Thank you for your words. Be blessed! – Kia

  4. Beautiful words! Love this. You speak truth that will set us free! Such a fan of you… Cheering you on wildly from the #RaRalinkup on Purposeful Faith.
    Kelly Balarie recently posted…From Bad Self-Talk to A Good God (Linkup)My Profile

    • Kelly, I so appreciate your heartfelt encouragement. Thanks for visiting today. #RaRalinkup

  5. I love that word “nothing.” I’m not sure I ever read that verse in The Message but I love how it translates it, especially “thinkable or unthinkable.” Nothing can get between me and God’s love for me. This is a great encouragement to me.
    Pamela recently posted…Free Printable Journal PagesMy Profile

    • Yes Pamela the word nothing paints a beautiful picture of God’s love for us. We are eternally loved by our Him. Be blessed! – Kia

  6. Great series! I think owning our mistakes and confessing them are such important steps. When we make it public, it adds humility to us and makes us really able to change and be changed. Thank you for the great post that made me think!

    • Joanne, you are such an encourager! Thanks for tracking with me through this series. Confession definitely brings much needed humility. And although difficult it is a necessary practice for followers of Christ. Be blessed! – Kia

  7. Tell it sister! (Humbly convicted and mighty encouraged.) lol! Blessings! – xoxo Letetia
    Letetia Mullenix recently posted…Daily Hope & a Prayer – April 14My Profile

    • Thanks Letitia,
      I was convicted first 🙂 Confession is a tough but necessary practice. Thanks for your encouragement. Be blessed! – Kia

  8. Thanks so much for sharing! I think this is such a profound problem and these are such wise words. I think the root of this is that our insecurities are tied to the fact that we are fining our identity in things other than God and hence our desperate desire to skate by on our own merit. With God however, His grace shines through us and that is incredibly beautiful 🙂 I wish more women could see themselves as God sees us given that He loves us enough to die for us. Great, though-provoking post!
    S.L. Payne recently posted…The Lucky OnesMy Profile

    • Sara thank you for your words. I agree with everything you said especially the desire for women to see themselves as God sees us. We would all be so much better off if we could fully and completely embrace His opinion of us as the one that matters most. Be blessed! – Kia

  9. “Our jealous actions are not enough to keep God from loving us.” Thank God! We’d all be in a heap of trouble without his patient faithfulness. Kia, I enjoyed your post and the honesty within it. There’s power in honesty…and confession. Joining you today via #woman2womanWednesday.
    Kristi recently posted…You are ChosenMy Profile

    • Amen Kristi we have all needed the patient faithfulness of Christ at sometime or another. Thanks for visiting today. Be blessed! – Kia

  10. Jealousy has often rocked my emotional well-being. I am so blessed by your words and I long to be free (fully free!) from the power of comparison to lure me away from the satisfaction I have from the life God has given to me.
    Jen Ferguson recently posted…Connections: Autism – Can it really be a blessing?My Profile

    • Jen, that complete freedom is a promise from our Heavenly Father – Philippians 1:6! And I believe He will do immeasurably more than you could ask or imagine in this area. Know that I’m standing with you and will be praying for you. Thanks for stopping by. Be blessed! – Kia

  11. Wonderful post! May we rejoice & encourage one another as that is the way we make Him shine best! So glad we were neighbors this morning at The Weekend Brew. Blessings!
    Joanne Viola recently posted…5: Of Encouragement, Contentment & GraceMy Profile

    • Yes Joanne, may our lives honor the God who made us, even in our confession. Be blessed! – Kia

  12. How have I not run into your blog before? I love this truth, and appreciate your heart for saying it. Blessings on this beautiful Still Saturday!
    Michele Morin recently posted…Pay AttentionMy Profile

    • Hi Michele, I’m a newbie to the blogosphere which probably explains why you haven’t run into my little slice of cyberspace before. So glad you visited and I greatly value your words. Be blessed! – Kia

  13. So good! Being able to confess and let go of jealousy or other behaviors that separate us from others is not finished until we have admitted to this and asked for forgiveness. I love your tweet to own our truth because we are loved by the Father. Blessed you linked up at The Weekend Brew.
    Mary Geisen recently posted…Life’s Lens …The Weekend BrewMy Profile

    • Thanks Mary! Truth is difficult but the unconditional love of the Father makes confession possible. Be blessed! – Kia

  14. This is awesomely written! It’s a powerful idea that a lot of people, women especially, need to hear. We live in a world that celebrates the ‘haters’ and ‘divas’, and chastises the humble and modest.

    Love this! Found you at Growing in Grace Link Up
    Lorey recently posted…Last Minute Memorial Day!My Profile

    • Thanks Lorey for your words. You said it best “we live in a world that celebrates the ‘haters’ and ‘diva’s’. We have strayed so far away from the beauty found in humility. May we all rest in the security found in Christ alone.

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