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Avoid This Pitfall Before You Say I Do

I was married for 8 years before I realized the tremendous mistake I made.  Haphazardly, I discovered it one Sunday morning as I sat listening to a singles message by Andy Stanley. “Nobodies looking for a woman with daddy wounds.” He said sarcastically.  “You got daddy wounds? Ah, I’m not interested in you. I want someone who comes into this relationship roaring angry and blames me for everything she’s mad at her dad about. That’s  what I’m looking for.”

Initially, I assumed the message did not apply to me because I was married, but those words became the arrow and my soul the bullseye.   As I sat in the balcony I wondered if anyone could tell I had the wounds he spoke about. What I failed to realize was the person who knew about my wounds was sitting next to me; I was married to him. “Do I do that?,” I asked (Even though I knew the answer). “Sometimes,” he responded ( being kind).

And as we walked out of the auditorium a mix of emotions overwhelmed me.  Shame reminded me how I periodically morphed into a wounded little girl with my husband.  Doubt questioned whether I could ever be different.  Despair encouraged me to give up.  And they all grabbed a cup of mojo at cafe confusion in my brain.

I began to internally question all the ways my daddy wounds had impacted my marriage.  There were too many to count. This process was like looking for a lost earring back in a fur rug.  I had become so comfortable with my behavior that distinguishing dysfunction from functionality was difficult.

How could I determine if I was mad because of something in the moment or subconsciously dealing with some unresolved father wound?  Argh!  This was not a quickly answered question and for me, it took loads of intentional self­reflection. During that season  I discovered the following key truths.

Truth # 1: My Husband is Not My Daddy

Early on in our marriage, I wanted my husband to affirm me the way my daddy didn’t.  I  yearned to hear him say I was smart, beautiful, a great cook, the perfect wife (the list goes on).  Now don’t get me wrong, it is natural for a wife to want her husband to compliment her,  but she should not be dependent on his words, and I was.

His opinion, good or bad, had the power to cripple or empower me.  And it wasn’t what he said but the authority I gave him.  The truth I had to realize was, though my father did not affirm me as a child, God affirms me through His word, and He alone is enough.  I value my husband’s opinion but his words come second to God’s.  This knowledge has enabled me to handle his compliments and critiques in a healthy way.

Truth #2:  I Must Forgive My Dad or It Will Impact

My Marital Relationship

Unresolved angst with a parent prior to marriage is re­directed towards a spouse when you say “I do”.  I know this from experience.  Shortly after we jumped the broom anger seeped out of me like hot steam.  My husband became an easy target because he was male and close by.     In an effort to have a healthy I marriage had to comb through the tangled mess of my emotions and identify why I felt what I felt when I felt it.  It took counseling, journaling, and much prayer to say, “I’m angry. . . I feel rejected. . . I am hurting”.  Then I had to learn the lifestyle of forgiveness and how to move on.

This process has lasted more than a decade and although it has been difficult, quitting and avoidance have never been an option for me.  I knew in order to have a loving relationship with my husband I needed to resolve unforgiveness with my dad.  In forgiving my dad the overall quality and health of my marriage improved.

Truth # 3:  I Must Look to God to Meet My Needs and

Not My Husband

Going into marriage I had a romanticized perspective of holy matrimony.   As the product of a divorced household, I was clueless as to what a marriage should look like, so I  made it up.  My fairytale included a husband equipped with flowers, continual compliments, an abundant bank account, endless amounts of quality time and a completely checked off honey-do list.  I never said it out loud, but I thought it.

I assumed my husband was supposed to meet my every need.  I soon discovered that was never God’s intentions.  No human being is capable of doing this.  God may choose to use my husband to meet my needs but I am to look to Him first.  This is something I had heard all my life,

“And my God shall supply all your needs according to his riches in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:19 (NIV)

But I didn’t really believe it.

Finally, after years of disappointment I decided to take God out of the box I confined  Him to.  I began to expose areas of my soul that I previously believed were beyond His reach.  God, I’m lonely (yes even in marriage), I feel discouraged, I am afraid, and I’m hurting are just a few of the conversations I allowed myself to have with the God of the universe.  I expanded my list of things God was concerned about to encompass the intimate details of my soul and overtime He met my needs.

Unfortunately, I was already swimming in the deep end of the marriage pool when I  realized I had daddy wounds.  If you are unmarried, with the desire to be married someday, TAKE HEED!   Let this blog post be like a pesky fly on your favorite meal.  Stop ­ don’t dive into a relationship and definitely not marriage until you deal with your father issues.  If you are already married start where you are ­ I did.  A choice not to could become a pitfall in your marriage.

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27 Comments

    1. I would definitely agree with you Dr. Bengtson. The impact of our mother and father wounds in our formative years plays a major role in how we interact with our spouse. Be blessed! – Kia

  1. Kia, there is so much wisdom here. I think thought that it is important not to be too hard on ourselves. You know I’m sure when you were married you weren’t quite ready to deal with those daddy wounds. Isn’t God’s timing interning? At that appointed time and after those years of hurt God allowed you to peer into what was really going on. Perhaps your husbands honesty helped you realize this much more than you ever would have prior to marriage. I say this because I too got married way before I should have. I came into my marriage with lots of misconceptions (different ones and different issues) but had the tendency to feel like, “Why? Why did God allow me to enter into this relationship as such an amateur with so many foibles and faults? I was so unwise at the time.” But isn’t it interesting how God will allow us to walk through and open door and use that perhaps “wrong” door (at the time) to make us into the right person. To do something within us that would never have been done without that journey. I’m sure you husband has helped in that healing process. We all have parent wounds. Yours run deep, but we all have them. And many times like you said we do not even realize the breadth of them until we enter into the depths of a marriage. Its like the microscope that identifies what is causing us so much pain. This was a great post with lots of insight. I cannot tell you how much I agree with the idea of exposing every part of our soul *even those parts we fail to think God would ever care about to Him. To cast all our cares. All our cares on Him for the simple reason: because He cares for us. He really does. And that is hard to hang on to when a father or mother didn’t seem to care. Thank you for these words!
    Somer recently posted…I’d Pick YouMy Profile

    1. Yes Somer, God is so sovereign and His timing is perfect. And quite honestly what the post did not reveal in this post, is that this journey has been more like an evolution for me, it didn’t start that Sunday morning. And ironically, in hindsight I am thankful for the way God has unfolded things in my life. He truly makes all things BEAUTIFUL! I so appreciate your words and I am glad you joined the conversation at the Father Swap Blog. Be blessed! – Kia

  2. Thank you so much for sharing this great post with us at Good Morning Mondays, It definitely gives me lots to think about. Welcome and I am looking forward to reading more of your posts. Blessings and have a great weekend.
    Terri Presser recently posted…SOUR CREAM APPLE CAKEMy Profile

  3. We all carry baggage into our marriages. Lord knows I had my own ugly stuff. But you know what? So did he. So we’re both messed up and we both need Jesus badly.

    1. Debbie, I definitely understand bringing baggage into a marriage and the tremendous need for Christ. In saying that, I wrote this post as an encouragement for engaged or single women so they could begin to process any daddy wounds prior to saying “I do”. Thanks for joining the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia

  4. Very intriguing and spot-on post. Thank you for sharing your experiences so we can ponder our own life, grow, overcome and change for the better. Stopping by from Grace & Truth Link Up Party. Carrie, A Mother’s Shadow

  5. Your words blessed me deeply this morning. The truth of what you were dealing with as well as how it can affect a marriage spoke loudly. These are words I would love to share with my son’s almost fiancee who needs to learn the love of her own dad as well as our Father. I will be praying how I can gently share these words with a grace filled heart. Blessed to have you join us at The Weekend Brew.
    Mary Geisen recently posted…Life’s Rhythms… The Weekend BrewMy Profile

    1. Mary thank you for your heartfelt encouragement. I pray your soon-to-be daughter in-law will be receptive to the words in this blog. I hope it will impact her and give her a strong foundation for her marriage to your son. Thanks for joining the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia

  6. Kia…what an excellent post. It’s amazing how we will take into our marriage baggage from our lives before. Thank you for the encouragement and for sharing at Monday’s Musings.

    1. Naomi that is so true. Whatever we don’t deal with as single women, jumps right into our marriage and wreaks havoc. I am so thankful God is able to heal all wounds. Thanks for joining the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia

    1. Karen I completely understand. Sometime marriage is like peeling an onion 🙂 Thankfully we are not dealing with our wounds on our own. Thanks for joining the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia

    1. Thanks Angela. I believe many women live in these deep and hard place and it is my sincere hope that they find encouragement in these words. So glad you joined the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia

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