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Kia Stephens

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August 7, 2017

4 Things Fathers Should Teach Their Daughters About Men Part IV

August 7, 2017 | By | 10 Comments

‘‘I never say no to sex,” she said in response to my question on how to make marriage work.  As she spoke I could tell her words were a deeply ingrained conviction that laid the foundation for her 17 year marriage.  And even though I knew her statement was biblically based, I was challenged by these words.

Ashamedly, I thought about the times in my own union when I’ve struggled to be a “never say no woman”.  I began to factor all the possible reasons why a woman might deny her husband the greatest gift she could give him:  kids, work, fatigue, and a loss of loved topped the list.  I thought about the stages in a woman’s life: how she can seemingly go from the sexy newly married career woman to the out of shape, tired, and broke down mamma of two overnight.  Regardless of the extenuating circumstances a woman finds herself in, the Bible is clear.

The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.  1 Corinthians 7: 4 (NIV)

For today’s empowered and self assured woman this scripture is difficult to embrace.   We live in a society where women boldly declare what they will and will not do with their body parts.  At best, this scripture appears outdated and archaic in a 21st century culture.

But God’s word never changes leaving women to either acquiesce to the gospel or buck up against it like a wild bull.  I have been both.  Which is why I’d like to offer a little perspective as it relates to sex and the denial of it in marriage for those who may be raising their fist in opposition.   

What I’ve discovered may surprise you:  to deny a husband’s request for sexual intimacy impacts more than his physical needs.  It also gives a destructive and crushing blow to his male ego; it is a form of disrespect.  And whereas we are used to ascribing respect to our husbands in communication, we are not so accustomed to applying that same respect to his request for intimacy.

As a woman who grew up in a all female household, respect in general is a skill I’ve had to work at  with great intentionality.  I’m still learning, gradually picking up nuggets of wisdom that would have been great to know prior to  saying “I do”.  Whether engaged, just hitched, or a seasoned married woman, knowledge on respecting a man is invaluable when it comes to helping a marriage thrive.  For this reason, this is the third thing every father should teach their daughter about a men.

#3 Men need respect.

If a man is not respected you’ll know it.  You will see it in his countenance as he morphs into a mere shell of who he was created to be.  Often times he will withdraw and shrink back: becoming less assertive and in some cases refusing to try at all. Consequently, he may retreat to what is commonly known as his man cave.

A woman may easily detect the effects of disrespect in a man’s career but she may be oblivious to how he feels disrespected in his own home.  Stephen Arterburn, author, founder and chairman of New Life Ministries, had a few words to say about it in his book, “The Secrets Men Keep”.

“. . .For whatever reason, a large number of husbands in our culture confess to having “a fragile ego in the bedroom”. . . This means that a third of the men surveyed enter the sexual domain of their relationships with their wives with some measure of fear and trembling.  That obviously cannot be a comfortable situation for those men, nor can it result in a fulfilling sexual relationship for a couple.  

I entered marriage knowing what the Bible said about sex and yet not understanding how rejection in the bedroom impacts a man.  I did not see the connection between sexual rejection and disrespect;  in marriage they are synonymous.  Once I discovered it, I saw Ephesians 5: 33 in a new light.   

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5: 33 (NIV)

Most wives who have been in church any length of time are familiar with this scripture.  However, left to figure respect out on her own, we may overlook all the ways men derive respect from their wives. This is especially true if the woman never saw this in her mother’s relationship with her father or it simply was never explicitly communicated to her.    

Which is why a woman may not know how her consistent argument of a headache or fatigue is negatively affecting her husband.  If a woman is not taught this by her father or his interactions with her mother, she must learn it through the life changing word of God.  She must be willing submit to the authority of the word of God first so that she can submit to and respect her husbands initiation of sexual intimacy.

This is God’s design for the union between a man and a woman.  Following this blueprint for marriage draws the heart of a wife to her husband.  Thereby making a woman’s choice to submit to her husband an outward display of her submission to God.

Unfortunately, heart change like this can’t be purchased over the counter.  This type of transformation happens overtime as we yield our unregenerate nature over to God.  He is the only One who can take a woman with an “it’s my body and I can do with it what I want” mentality and give her a heart to honor her spouse by meeting his physical need for intimacy.

 

This is not to exclude the reality that sex is a two way street and there are some requirements for the man as well.  He is to love his wife as Christ loves the church and that cannot be ignored.  It is also not to dismiss the need for the woman to seek professional assistance if there is any form of physical or emotional abuse taking place.  The aim, however, of this article is to focus solely on the role of a wife, lessons she may have missed from her earthly father and how she can learn those lessons from God.

Meet Me in October!

 

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Comments

  1. What a powerful and important message! Thank you for being brave enough to tackle the subject. Not an easy one to talk about. Blessings to you and your ministry.

    • Thanks Tracy and yes it is not an easy subject but a needed one. This is an area of challenge in soooo many marriages. Thanks for joining the conversation today and BE BLESSED! – Kia

  2. This is deep and thought-provoking. Keep up the good work, Kia!
    Edith recently posted…LESS CARES, MORE STARESMy Profile

    • Thanks Edith! God has embedded so much into the relationship between a man and a woman. Respecting a man in marriage is an area where I feel I have only just begun to scratch the surface. Thanks for visiting today. Be blessed! – Kia

  3. Kia,
    Your messages are so powerful and wise. Not many women in your circumstances would choose to view things the way you do. That is evident by the state of our culture. You are wise beyond your years.
    Sheila Qualls recently posted…You’ll Never Believe What Happened to Me On an AirplaneMy Profile

    • Thanks Sheila! My wisdom comes from EPIC FAILURE and extreme dependence on God, which is why I offer it freely. I hope it helps others. Thanks so much for your words and for dropping by. Be blessed! – Kia

  4. I understand the message here, and I agree with it….mostly. I think there is a difference between denying your husband and saying no on occasion. For some women, saying yes no matter what can easily become one more people pleasing chore in their lives. Finding a balance and a man who understands and respects his wife are just as important.

    All that said…..I rarely say no. Because I don’t want to.

    • Yes Becky, I agree which is why I highlighted, Ephesians 5: 33 which says, “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5: 33 (NIV) I believe in a godly marriage these to should coexist. I also attempted to highlight this by saying, “This is not to exclude the reality that sex is a two way street and there are some requirements for the man as well. He is to love his wife as Christ loves the church and that cannot be ignored. It is also not to dismiss the need for the woman to seek professional assistance if there is any form of physical or emotional abuse taking place.” My post is not a recommendation for a woman to be a people pleaser in the bedroom. I did however want to highlight something that I discovered from the book and life that would strengthen the marriage relationship of the reader. It was a revelation to me when I found out there was a correlation between respect and the marriage bed. i offer this information not to put women in bondage but to share knowledge that I did not know when I first got married. This area created a lot of strife in my marriage early on and if I can help another woman that is my aim. Thanks so much for joining the conversation and be blessed! – Kia

  5. I’m not entirely in agreement with the overriding message of this post because it almost negates the woman’s feelings and I don’t think never saying no is Biblically based. The reality is there are times when no is appropriate for both male and female. I think the language around this varies for each couple; also as with everything else when it comes to sex there’s a mutuality.
    As someone who’s been married for a long time this message of never saying no – is harmful to both the man and the woman long term. It breeds resentment in the woman and a false expectation in the man and these feelings carry over to the rest of the relationship.
    Rejection does not equate to disrespect. Sometimes no is just no for valid reasons.
    I read this when it was initially posted but it took me awhile to gather my thoughts on this; I hope they’re clear.
    nylse recently posted…What Love Feels LikeMy Profile

    • Hi Nylse thanks for you comments. I do understand if you don’t agree with my post. I attempted to highlight Ephesians 5: 33 to illustrate that a woman’s respecting of her husband as it relates to physical intimacy should occur in light of Him loving her as Christ loves the church. I indicated this when I said, “This is not to exclude the reality that sex is a two way street and there are some requirements for the man as well. He is to love his wife as Christ loves the church and that cannot be ignored. It is also not to dismiss the need for the woman to seek professional assistance if there is any form of physical or emotional abuse taking place.” The aim, however, of this article is to focus solely on the role of a wife, lessons she may have missed from her earthly father and how she can learn those lessons from God. I think without taking the above paragraph into consideration and just having sex to follow a 1 Corinthians 7: 5 would be harmful. “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” However, I think if you read the book I referenced, “The Secrets Men Keep” by Stephen Arterburn you may reconsider your stance that “Rejection does not equate to disrespect.” I offered this perspective not because I had it on my own but I have read it and heard it. Thanks again for joining the conversation and be blessed! – Kia

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