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Forgiveness - Fatherswap.com

Kia Stephens

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March 31, 2017

What To Do When You’ve Been Betrayed

March 31, 2017 | By | 4 Comments

At some point, it happens to everyone.   While minding our own business someone unsuspectingly betrays us. And just like that, we are left  breathless in a fog of disbelief.  

“Did this really happen?” we question, though we already know the answer. It did.  

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Kia Stephens

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March 25, 2017

How to Declutter Your Heart

March 25, 2017 | By | 24 Comments

My home was mostly white walls and floors when I got married.  We had each other and a few pieces of mismatched furniture salvaged from my husband’s bachelor days.  Now 13 years and 2 kids later we are busting at the seams with stuff:  old furniture, sentimental knickknacks, and a host of forgotten toys.   

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Kia Stephens

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January 22, 2017

How To Heal From Trauma

January 22, 2017 | By | No Comments

Whether you are in the midst of trying to resolve a conflict, forgive a loved one, cope with an unexpected life change, or just heal trauma can impact you without a moments notice.  For this reason I am excited to share my most recent live stream with you. Read More

Kia Stephens

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December 16, 2016

Following God When It Doesn’t Make Sense

December 16, 2016 | By | No Comments

In this live stream hangout I discusses the difficult topic of “Following God When it Doesn’t Make Sense” with Maya Dawson.  Maya candidly shares her tug of war with God after loosing her mother and father in a two year period and then battling cancer. Read More

Kia Stephens

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August 18, 2016

Digging Deeper Episode 4D: The Essence of Forgiveness Part IV

August 18, 2016 | By | 2 Comments

When it comes to forgiveness, most people know they should forgive.  The challenge is knowing how to do it.  On this final episode of The Essence of Forgiveness Kia will look at 6 practical strategies we can implement on our forgiveness journey today.

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Kia Stephens

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July 11, 2016

5 Questions White & Black People Must Ask

July 11, 2016 | By | 6 Comments

Up until about 5 years ago everyone in my immediate circle was of the same race. I graduated from a historically black college, went to work in an all black elementary school, attended a predominantly black church, and had no white friends or associates.   My life was segregated, safe and familiar.

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Kia Stephens

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July 7, 2016

Why We Don’t Have a Race Problem in America

July 7, 2016 | By | 34 Comments

No matter how you frame it, talking about race is uncomfortable.  I would much rather sit in a circle, hold hands and sing We Are the World, than write this post, but I deem it necessary.  The recent police shooting of Alton Sterling linked arms with a personal experience and I feel compelled to talk about what we are facing in America.

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Kia Stephens

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July 3, 2016

4 Ways to Overcome Unforgiveness

July 3, 2016 | By | 10 Comments

Have you ever forgiven someone only to see unforgiveness ram its ugly head back into your heart and mind?  I  have – more than I care to admit.  In fact I have some bad news; forgiveness is more of a journey rather than a destination.  

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Kia Stephens

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June 15, 2016

When Father’s Day Is Bitter Sweet

June 15, 2016 | By | 4 Comments

You celebrate a few men:

Your neighbor,

That random dad in Target with the kids,

Your friend’s husband,

and other relatives,

but when it comes to your own father things gets complicated.

While idyllic images of fathers and daughters flood social media channels, you struggle to find images to post.  Father’s day is just a reminder that things aren’t so ideal for you. And this holiday comes with a broad array of emotions:

Admiration,

Sorrow,

Love,

Rage,

Jealousy,

and Bitterness.

Thus, fueling the temptation to wear a mask for the day, so your true feelings remain undetected. You’d rather suppress your raw emotions then broadcast your pain at a time when no one else is. I have felt like this on a number of occasions, and as a professional stuffer, I can say with clarity, “Don’t do it.”

This method of dealing with pain is ineffective.  Passive aggression is like a fast moving bullet to the soul, leaving it’s victims with a non healing wound.  If this sounds familiar, and your Father’s Day experience is more bitter than sweet, I have three suggestions to help you process your feelings.

#1 Give Yourself Permission to Grieve What Has Been Lost  

The physical or emotional absence of a father is a traumatic experience in the life of his daughter.  Whether the cause be death, divorce, abandonment, distance, or substance abuse, the effect is a loss that must be grieved.  Though difficult to process, it is necessary, in order to heal.

Are you hurting today?

Is your father daughter story so painful you can barely talk about it?

If so, the Bible gives you license to mourn.  

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Matthew 5:4 (NIV)

Grieve every difficult memory, wound inflicted, word said, moment missed, and rejection felt.  Your story should not be minimized or dismissed.  If it is painful to you then it matters to God.  One of my favorite scriptures says it like this, Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.”  1 Peter 5:7 (KJV)

When Father's Day Is Bitter Sweet Meme 1

And you might be saying, “I’ve tried to release it, but the wound is too deep.”  I completely understand. The process of grieving takes time and is unique to every person.  Enlist support on your journey; you may require the help of a professional counselor, or a trusted friend.  Whatever it takes, for however long it takes, you will “be comforted” in your grief by God.  So do not lose heart.

# 2 Choose Forgiveness

The love you feel for your daddy only makes the dagger of his words and actions sink deeper. And attempting to forgive him is like falling down a bottomless pit: never coming to the end of his offenses against you.  I get it.  You are tired of trying to forgive a man that doesn’t seem to deserve forgiveness.  

And if it had not been for the selfless act of a Jewish carpenter, I might encourage you to forget about forgiving your daddy.  But because of Christ, my forgiveness is not conditional and yours either. We forgive because we have been forgiven, period.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV

And this is more easily said than done, but it is doable. Christ is the impetus for, and the enabler of forgiveness.  Without Him it is impossible to willingly and consistently relinquish my right to hold a grudge towards my offender.

Every time I forgive with my mouth I ask God to help my emotions to follow suit.  And if the pain resurfaces, or a new offense is made, I continue to lean on the power of my heavenly father to forgive again. 

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Kia Stephens

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October 18, 2015

Single Daughters & Silent Fathers

October 18, 2015 | By | 6 Comments

Below you will find the books, blogs and references discussed in the interview.

The Interview was inspired by the post Avoid This Pitfall Before You Say I Do.

This post addressed the three truths below.  For each truth I referenced a blog post that dealt with those areas.

TRUTH # 1: MY HUSBAND IS NOT MY FATHER

Related Blog Post

Why Growing Up Fatherless Does Not Define Me

True Confessions of a Recovering HATER Series

3 Lessons Learned From a Father’s Rejection

Book Reference

 Bringing Up Girls by Dr. James Dobson

Captivating:  Unveiling the Mysteries of a Woman’s Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge

TRUTH #2:  I MUST FORGIVE MY DAD OR IT WILL IMPACT MY MARITAL RELATIONSHIP

Related Blog Post

Why I Forgave My Daddy

6 Steps to Writing a Forgiveness Letter

Book Reference

 Always Daddy’s Girl by H. Norman Wright

TRUTH # 3:  I MUST LOOK TO GOD TO MEET MY NEEDS AND NOT MY HUSBAND

Related Blog Post

How Fathers Affect Our View of God

Why I Made The Father Swap

Types of Fatherlessness

The statistics I quoted were taken from the National Fatherhood Initiative.

The three ways a woman is fatherless came from Iyanla Vanzant on Oprah Winfrey’s Life Class on Daddylessdaughters.

Behaviors of Women Who Grew Up Without the Love and Affirmation of Their Fathers

  • Promiscuity

The quote referenced from Dr. Steve Perry came from Oprah Winfrey’s Life Class on Daddylessdaughters.

Related Blog Post

7 Reasons Why a Sex Act Won’t Soothe a Love Ache

Message Series

 The New Rules of Love Sex and Dating by Andy Stanley

Book Reference

The New Rules of Love Sex and Dating by Andy Stanley

  • Low Self Esteem/ The Uns /Insecurity/ Neediness

The 7 “Uns” of Daddyless Daughter Oprah Winfrey’s Daddyless Daughter Lifeclass

Book Reference

Whatever Happened to Daddy’s Little Girl:  The Impact of Fatherlessness on Black Women by: Jonetta Rose Barras

So Long Insecurity by: Beth Moore

Related Blog Post

Why Growing Up Fatherless Does Not Define Me

3 Reasons Why Women Need to Talk About Being Fatherless

  • Fear

Book Reference

Whatever Happened to Daddy’s Little Girl:  The Impact of Fatherlessness on Black Women by: Jonetta Rose Barras

Related Blog Post

Why Growing Up Fatherless Does Not Define Me

  • Anger / Rage / Resentment

Related Blog Post

Avoid this Pitfall Before You Say I Do

3 Lessons Learned From A Father’s Rejection

6 steps to Writing a Forgiveness Letter

Book Reference

Beauty For Ashes by: Joyce Meyers

  • Non-sexual Relationships With Men

Book Reference

 Always Daddy’s Girl by H. Norman Wright

Suggestions For Single Daughters Who Had Absent Fathers

1.  Start With God

Related Blog Post

How Fathers Affect Our View of God

–  Salvation

– Considering Christ

– Time With God

– Know God as Father

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 1 John 3:1 (NIV)

2. Grieve

“. . . A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance.” Ecclesiastes 3:4 (NIV)

Related Blog Post

6 steps to Writing a Forgiveness Letter

3 Lessons Learned From A Father’s Rejection

3. Forgive

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Mathew 6:14 (NIV)

– Forgive Yourself

-Forgive Your Dad

Related Blog Post

6 steps to Writing a Forgiveness Letter

Why I Forgave My Daddy

3. Educate Yourself

How much better to get wisdom than gold, to get insight rather than silver! Proverbs 16:16 (NIV)

Books

– Webisodes

4.  Actively Pursue Health

Two are better than one,  because they have a good return for their labor:  If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.  But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.

Ecclesiastes 4: 9- 10 (NIV)

Counseling 

– Small Groups

– Support Groups

5. Renew Your Mind & Embrace Truth

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12: 2 (NIV)

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10: 5 (NIV)

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