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Kia Stephens

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April 17, 2017

To the Woman With Father Wounds

April 17, 2017 | By | 8 Comments

I was wasting time on Facebook when my emotions made an unannounced visit.  Out of nowhere they instigated the worst ugly cry of 2017.  There I was, innocently scrolling through images when I stumbled across an article about Simone Biles and Sasha Farber’s waltz to You’re A Good Good Father on Dancing with the Stars.

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Kia Stephens

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February 26, 2017

3 Ways Being Vulnerable Might Change Your Life

February 26, 2017 | By | 22 Comments

I’ve lived a lifetime trying to be perfect.

Perfect Appearance

Perfect Speech

Perfect Life

But adulthood has been the absolute antithesis of perfection.  In fact, I might venture to say, it has been characterized more by an unexpected slow death of my ideals and expectations.

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Kia Stephens

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September 18, 2016

What Cosmo Won’t Tell You About Great Sex

September 18, 2016 | By | 12 Comments

As a culture we are fascinated by sex.  And somewhere sitting on the top floor of a New York City skyscraper is a marketing executive that knows this about you and I.  Which explains why every time we buy groceries our eyes are bombarded by the latest and unapologetically audacious title on the cover of Cosmo.

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Kia Stephens

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August 23, 2016

4 Reasons Why Men Don’t Father Part III

August 23, 2016 | By | 8 Comments

“I handed him the divorce papers and he just signed them,” she said.  “He didn’t even fight for me.”  With tremendous disappointment my friend questioned the behavior of her ex but I understood his actions with laser sharp clarity.

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Kia Stephens

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August 18, 2016

Digging Deeper Episode 4D: The Essence of Forgiveness Part IV

August 18, 2016 | By | 2 Comments

When it comes to forgiveness, most people know they should forgive.  The challenge is knowing how to do it.  On this final episode of The Essence of Forgiveness Kia will look at 6 practical strategies we can implement on our forgiveness journey today.

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Kia Stephens

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August 14, 2016

4 Reasons Why Men Don’t Father (Part II)

August 14, 2016 | By | 4 Comments

“I hate him,” a reader said to me as she described her father.  She went on to say, “I don’t forgive him for abandoning me and making me feel neglected. . . I do not forgive him for forgetting he had a child and moving on with his life.  I can’t forgive him.”

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Kia Stephens

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August 8, 2016

4 Reasons Why Men Don’t Father (Part I)

August 8, 2016 | By | 4 Comments

It’s hard to imagine why a man would not father his child.  I can still remember the Cheshire cat grin that spanned the width of my husband’s face when he found out we were pregnant with our first child.  I have watched this same excitement dictate his engagement in the lives of our boys.

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Kia Stephens

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June 20, 2016

Exposing the Root Cause of Daddy Wounds

June 20, 2016 | By | 10 Comments

I have a confession.  If given large amounts of freedom – void of the responsibility to feed, clothe, or take care of anyone or anything – I have been known to binge watch old TV shows all day long. I’m not proud of it, but I do own my periodic plunge into laziness.

It’s the storyline that plants me in between pillows.  A sucker for suspense, one hour becomes four as I try to figure out “who dun it”.  Most intriguing are the unsuspecting plot twist I didn’t see coming.

Confidently, I think the business partner is the culprit, only to discover it was actually the mistress.  Each subsequent episode lures, baits, and keeps me glued to a screen wanting to know the outcome.  I am not alone.  

We are a generation of cats killed by curiosity, slayed by the need to know what happens next.  However, this absorption with fictitious situations keeps us from realizing the greatest plot is the one we’re living.  Reality has been reduced to the daily grind, periodic success, events, and conversations, but this is just the subplot of a much larger story.

Set in motion before our birth was the battle between good and evil, heaven and hell, and God and Satan. I say this with the realization that we live in a practical-teaching-megachurch-age, where words like demonic have almost been omitted from the vocabulary of the average church goer. Many of us find it easier to acknowledge the existence of an omniscient God without embracing the reality of a diabolical enemy.  

When we do acknowledge his presence it is often tainted by Hollywood’s interpretation teetering between extremes.  Either he’s the man in a red catsuit with horns perched on the shoulder of an indecisive actor, or he’s a quick witted super hero fighting crime in an Italian suit.  Neither persona is accurate, duping us into believing Lucifer is predictable, likable, and not that bad. The Bible, on the other hand, gives an opposing perspective of our adversary.

 

Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

1 Peter 5:8 NIV

He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

John 8: 44 NIV

 

When measured against the word of God there is absolutely nothing nonthreatening about him. He is described as a deceiver, a hunter and a killer whose sole purpose is to annihilate his prey, us.  And he will stop at nothing to accomplish this task.  

Satan is the proverbial below the belt hitter.  If given the opportunity, he has the power to impact every area of our lives: that childhood hurt, lingering habits, dangerous temptations, weight loss (or the lack of it), hang-ups, sweet tooths, jobs, and relationships.  And if you’re carrying an unhealed crater-sized wound from your father, he had a hand in that too.

  According to The Washington Times, “Sociologists say it’s common for people to perceive that God is like the fatherly figures in their lives. If dad is caring, patient and concerned, then children will believe God has those same characteristics. And the opposite holds true when a father is harsh, judgmental or absent.”

This is the perfect smoke screen, masterful plan, and hidden schema daughters are blinded to as they endure difficult and nonexistent relationships with their daddies.  It is not coincidental that countless numbers of women have father daughter relationships plagued by: death, abuse, abandonment, incarceration, drug addiction, distance, divorce, and the like.  There is a supernatural plot in play that substantiates why this epidemic is so pervasive.

So the question becomes what should our response be?  You may think your battle is with your daddy, but it is not. You, alone are not powerful enough to change your father or your relationship with him.  The difficult truth is that he may never change.  It is not up to you, but God.  

Tucked within the pages of scripture is explicit instruction on dealing with difficult relationships.

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground. . .

Ephesians 6: 12 – 13 (NIV)

When it comes to overcoming daddy wounds, we must be like parasites gleaning from God’s well of life giving sustenance. Our communication with Him must be constant, expressing the ups and downs in this journey through I -can’t-make-it without-you-prayer. Most importantly, our resolve must be cemented, armed with the knowledge that although we have a very real opponent, we have a victorious God who has already won the battle on our behalf.

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Kia Stephens

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June 19, 2016

Kia Stephens

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January 4, 2016

Daddy Wounds By the Numbers

January 4, 2016 | By | 2 Comments

One year ago I took a risk and started a blog for women with daddy wounds.   It was part exhilarating and part nerve wrecking as I put the intimate details of my life on the world wide web, but I’m so glad I did.  The response has been overwhelming.  

Women from all over the United States and a few other countries have visited and shared comments about the subject matter.  In light of my 1 year anniversary I thought it would be fitting to share some of the sobering data I have gathered from the women for whom this blog was created.  Their comments support four major reasons the Father Swap Blog exist.

Reason #1:  There Are Many Women With Unhealed Hurts From Their Father

Of the respondents on the survey, 71% consider themselves a fatherless daughter.   This sad reality communicates the father shaped vacuum that has remained empty for many of the respondents.  Although, 33% of the respondents are in the age range of 25 – 34 the ages of women surveyed are between 18 – 54.  This means many of the women have been carrying this pain throughout their lives:childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.

Jonetta Rose Barras, author of  “Whatever Happened to Daddy’s Little Girl?  The Impact of Fatherlessness on Black Women, succinctly describes this sorority of women.  “We are legions, a multicolored choir of wounded.  Nearly four out of every ten children in the United States live without their fathers in their homes; 50 percent of them are girls according to The National Fatherhood Initiative.” Barras’ quote reminds me that this reality is not uncommon, and unless dealt with, childhood hurts become adult wounds.  

Of the women surveyed, only 50% feel they have been able to heal from the wounds in their father daughter relationship.  40% of the women described their present relationship as distant and 35% do not have a relationship with their dad at all.   The Father Swap Blog seeks to help women heal from these hurts through encouragement, healing and practical wisdom.

Reason #2  There Are Similarities in the Causes of Fatherlessness

Rarely, does the subject matter of an absentee father come up in everyday conversation.  People generally remain on the safer surface layer of communication.  It is simply uncomfortable revealing some of the gory details of our family tree, especially when a father is:

Incarcerated

Addicted to Drugs or Alcohol

Physically or Verbally Abusive

or We Don’t Know Who He Is

But a survey is a safe place to say, “Me too.”  No one will judge you or feel sorry for you.  It is an opportunity for a woman to anonymously validate her story.  

I offered no free gift or Amazon raffle, just an opportunity to answer a few questions about their life’s story.  To my surprise women jumped at the opportunity to share the very personal and painful parts of their father daughter relationship.  Of the women surveyed 55% did not experience the love and affirmation of their biological fathers as a result of divorce or separation, 32% as a result of abandonment, 30% said their fathers were physically present yet emotionally absent and 27% experienced verbal abuse.  The Father Swap Blog purposes to provide a sense of community for women who grew up without the love and affirmation of their biological fathers.

Reason # 3 The Cycle Must Be Broken

Often when we look at the genealogy we see history repeating itself.  This was proven true in the results compiled from the survey.  The survey respondents indicated 29% of their mothers and fathers were not fathered and 6% of the respondents had children that were not fathered.  41% of the women surveyed were single and never married and of that number 35% indicated the relationship with the opposite sex is a major problem.  

No little girl dreams about being a single mom; it just happens: divorce, adultery, addiction, abandonment, death and abuse. Instantly, the fantasy of happily ever after suffers a serious blow – taking a little hope with it.  The aim of the Father Swap Blog is to provide women with practical wisdom to aid them in ending the cycle of fatherlessness.  

Reason # 4 Women With Daddy Wounds Are Turning to Christ

Above all other options, women are turning to Christ in search of healing.  66% of women said they have processed and found healing from Christianity.  I wholeheartedly agree, and believe,

 

Dear Hallmark. . .3 Card Categories to Add For Father's Day

Dear Hallmark. . .3 Card Categories to Add For Father’s Day

If you find yourself represented in any one of these percentages know that your are not alone.  Many women are standing with you, I am one of them.  More than the support another woman can provide the Father Swap Blog wants every woman to know God offers so much more.  

He is the healing balm for the wounded and wholeness for the broken.  

 The cure for the ache in your soul is found in Him.

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