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Kia Stephens

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April 17, 2017

To the Woman With Father Wounds

April 17, 2017 | By | 8 Comments

I was wasting time on Facebook when my emotions made an unannounced visit.  Out of nowhere they instigated the worst ugly cry of 2017.  There I was, innocently scrolling through images when I stumbled across an article about Simone Biles and Sasha Farber’s waltz to You’re A Good Good Father on Dancing with the Stars.

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Kia Stephens

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August 23, 2016

4 Reasons Why Men Don’t Father Part III

August 23, 2016 | By | 8 Comments

“I handed him the divorce papers and he just signed them,” she said.  “He didn’t even fight for me.”  With tremendous disappointment my friend questioned the behavior of her ex but I understood his actions with laser sharp clarity.

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Kia Stephens

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August 18, 2016

Digging Deeper Episode 4D: The Essence of Forgiveness Part IV

August 18, 2016 | By | 2 Comments

When it comes to forgiveness, most people know they should forgive.  The challenge is knowing how to do it.  On this final episode of The Essence of Forgiveness Kia will look at 6 practical strategies we can implement on our forgiveness journey today.

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Kia Stephens

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August 14, 2016

4 Reasons Why Men Don’t Father (Part II)

August 14, 2016 | By | 4 Comments

“I hate him,” a reader said to me as she described her father.  She went on to say, “I don’t forgive him for abandoning me and making me feel neglected. . . I do not forgive him for forgetting he had a child and moving on with his life.  I can’t forgive him.”

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Kia Stephens

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August 8, 2016

4 Reasons Why Men Don’t Father (Part I)

August 8, 2016 | By | 4 Comments

It’s hard to imagine why a man would not father his child.  I can still remember the Cheshire cat grin that spanned the width of my husband’s face when he found out we were pregnant with our first child.  I have watched this same excitement dictate his engagement in the lives of our boys.

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Kia Stephens

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July 3, 2016

Digging Deeper Episode 2B: God, Satan, Daddies, & Daughters

July 3, 2016 | By | No Comments

 

Exposing the Root Cause of Daddy Wounds

3 Things to Remember in Uncertain Times

How Fathers Affect Our View of God

 

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Kia Stephens

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June 19, 2016

Kia Stephens

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February 1, 2016

The Truth About Self-Hatred

February 1, 2016 | By | 2 Comments

“I was teased growing up,” I began.  “For three years, male and female tweens talked about the size of my nose, the color of my skin, my skinny legs, and non existent breast,” I continued.  Initially, I had no intentions of divulging my adolescent tale of woe with the fourth and fifth grade mentees, but I deemed it necessary.

Just before my comments the girls viewed a PowerPoint presentation of women thought of as beautiful:  Beyonce, Rihanna, Ciara, and then Lupita Nyong’o.  The immediate response to Lupita’s image was one of disdain. She was dark and her hair was short.

“She’s bald headed,” one said.  Another described her as, “Black.” Even though her features mirrored several of the girls in the room, she was harshly criticized.  Before I knew it an indignation rose in me.  I had to speak.

I had to speak because I knew somewhere in that crowd of estrogen was a girl who felt just as I did when I was her age.  She needed an advocate, someone to stand up and say you are beautiful.  She needed someone to teach her how to love herself.  

The effects of self hatred and low self-esteem are subtle: slowly infiltrating our psyche until we don’t even notice it.  Constantly, we are bombarded with a barrage of images dictating what beauty is and is not. Air brushed women with hair and wardrobe stylist, personal makeup artist and plastic surgery are touted as the world’s standard of beauty.  And I’ll be the first to say I have believed the lie, often enduring a torture filled regiment of hair straightening, face painting, eyebrow plucking, and spanx (need I say more).  

I do this in an attempt to reach the ever rising beauty bar.  If I didn’t straighten, paint,  pluck or squeeze my appearance would be drastically different.  In my purest state I’d have bushy eyebrows, uneven skin, a protruding belly, and a rather large afro.  This image will never meet the societal standard of beauty, but it does meet God’s.  

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Kia Stephens

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January 4, 2016

Daddy Wounds By the Numbers

January 4, 2016 | By | 2 Comments

One year ago I took a risk and started a blog for women with daddy wounds.   It was part exhilarating and part nerve wrecking as I put the intimate details of my life on the world wide web, but I’m so glad I did.  The response has been overwhelming.  

Women from all over the United States and a few other countries have visited and shared comments about the subject matter.  In light of my 1 year anniversary I thought it would be fitting to share some of the sobering data I have gathered from the women for whom this blog was created.  Their comments support four major reasons the Father Swap Blog exist.

Reason #1:  There Are Many Women With Unhealed Hurts From Their Father

Of the respondents on the survey, 71% consider themselves a fatherless daughter.   This sad reality communicates the father shaped vacuum that has remained empty for many of the respondents.  Although, 33% of the respondents are in the age range of 25 – 34 the ages of women surveyed are between 18 – 54.  This means many of the women have been carrying this pain throughout their lives:childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.

Jonetta Rose Barras, author of  “Whatever Happened to Daddy’s Little Girl?  The Impact of Fatherlessness on Black Women, succinctly describes this sorority of women.  “We are legions, a multicolored choir of wounded.  Nearly four out of every ten children in the United States live without their fathers in their homes; 50 percent of them are girls according to The National Fatherhood Initiative.” Barras’ quote reminds me that this reality is not uncommon, and unless dealt with, childhood hurts become adult wounds.  

Of the women surveyed, only 50% feel they have been able to heal from the wounds in their father daughter relationship.  40% of the women described their present relationship as distant and 35% do not have a relationship with their dad at all.   The Father Swap Blog seeks to help women heal from these hurts through encouragement, healing and practical wisdom.

Reason #2  There Are Similarities in the Causes of Fatherlessness

Rarely, does the subject matter of an absentee father come up in everyday conversation.  People generally remain on the safer surface layer of communication.  It is simply uncomfortable revealing some of the gory details of our family tree, especially when a father is:

Incarcerated

Addicted to Drugs or Alcohol

Physically or Verbally Abusive

or We Don’t Know Who He Is

But a survey is a safe place to say, “Me too.”  No one will judge you or feel sorry for you.  It is an opportunity for a woman to anonymously validate her story.  

I offered no free gift or Amazon raffle, just an opportunity to answer a few questions about their life’s story.  To my surprise women jumped at the opportunity to share the very personal and painful parts of their father daughter relationship.  Of the women surveyed 55% did not experience the love and affirmation of their biological fathers as a result of divorce or separation, 32% as a result of abandonment, 30% said their fathers were physically present yet emotionally absent and 27% experienced verbal abuse.  The Father Swap Blog purposes to provide a sense of community for women who grew up without the love and affirmation of their biological fathers.

Reason # 3 The Cycle Must Be Broken

Often when we look at the genealogy we see history repeating itself.  This was proven true in the results compiled from the survey.  The survey respondents indicated 29% of their mothers and fathers were not fathered and 6% of the respondents had children that were not fathered.  41% of the women surveyed were single and never married and of that number 35% indicated the relationship with the opposite sex is a major problem.  

No little girl dreams about being a single mom; it just happens: divorce, adultery, addiction, abandonment, death and abuse. Instantly, the fantasy of happily ever after suffers a serious blow – taking a little hope with it.  The aim of the Father Swap Blog is to provide women with practical wisdom to aid them in ending the cycle of fatherlessness.  

Reason # 4 Women With Daddy Wounds Are Turning to Christ

Above all other options, women are turning to Christ in search of healing.  66% of women said they have processed and found healing from Christianity.  I wholeheartedly agree, and believe,

 

Dear Hallmark. . .3 Card Categories to Add For Father's Day

Dear Hallmark. . .3 Card Categories to Add For Father’s Day

If you find yourself represented in any one of these percentages know that your are not alone.  Many women are standing with you, I am one of them.  More than the support another woman can provide the Father Swap Blog wants every woman to know God offers so much more.  

He is the healing balm for the wounded and wholeness for the broken.  

 The cure for the ache in your soul is found in Him.

Daddy Wounds By the Numbers Meme 1

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Kia Stephens

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October 25, 2015

Can I Really Know God As Father?

October 25, 2015 | By | 10 Comments

Her comments came in response to one of my most popular post, Why I Made the Father Swap. After making my case for God as father she culminated her counter argument with the following statement.  

“. . . While I rejoice in your love for Jesus Christ, that relationship is not the same as a relationship with your father…as it would not be the same as a relationship with your mother. Christ can never take the place of a real father in a child’s life . . .”

According to the Bible, she was right. God is a triune being consisting of God the Father, God the son, and God the Holy Spirit. Each division of the Godhead serves a different role.  It is not Jesus Christ who fulfills the role of father in the life of a believer, but God the father.

“. . . the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15 (NIV)

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! . . .” 1 John 3: 1

Single Daughters & Silent Fathers Meme 11

 “A father to the fatherless . . . is God in his holy dwelling.” Psalms 68:5

There are several verses in scripture that substantiate God the Father’s role.   For this reason I agree with the reader because Christ is not our heavenly father but God the Father is.  Despite this truth, many people believe God is unable to be a “real father” in the lives of those who were not fathered by an earthly dad.  

It simply doesn’t make sense for an infinite God to commune with a finite and flawed individual, but it doesn’t have to make sense to be true.   I get it. But it doesn’t have to make sense;  neither you nor I, nor the reader have to believe it in order for it to be so; it is so.

From my vantage point there is a lot at stake if God can not be a father to all mankind; it is the equivalent of taking hope from the world.  If we embrace this perspective many men and women would be doomed: handcuffed to their daddy aches for a lifetime.

Oh, you never knew your dad?

That’s unfortunate.

Your father died when you were just a kid?  

Suck it up.

You never knew the love of your biological father?

Get over it.

I know that sounds harsh but essentially that is what people are left with if the idea of knowing God as father is just a fantasy.  Left to fend for themselves people may look to heal their daddy wounds with insatiable success, unsatisfying relationships, and overwhelming addictions.  The good news is there is hope.  

Why I Made the Father Swap

Why I Made the Father Swap

Were you abused by your father?

You can know healing.

Have you been rejected by your daddy?

You can find acceptance.

Are you unknown by the man you love the most?

You can be known by God.

He is. . .

Counselor,

Giver,

Provider,

Healer,

Friend,

& Father.

He is God.

So here is my counter to the reader’s comment.  To say that God takes the place of a “real father” in a person’s life is too small of a description.  God cannot be limited by our comprehension of the word father.  He supersedes every connotation.

3 Lessons Learned From a Father's Rejection

3 Lessons Learned From a Father’s Rejection

Even if we grew up with a wonderful dad, God remains undeniably the perfect father.  He is unmatched in his love towards us.  For every daughter desperately longing to know if she will ever experience the love of a father, God, the ultimate father, responds yes!  

He is capable of fathering mankind.  It seems crazy, impossible, and unlikely, but It is true.

 

We must trust in HIM and not the voice of reason.  Reason communicates the same thing every time, “ This is impossible.” The truth is, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 (NIV)

Ask God to change your perspective of what knowing Him as father should look like.  Believe against all doubt that you can be known and loved by an omniscient God.  Pursue a relationship with God by reading His word, and spending time with Him in prayer.  In time, I believe,  you will come to know Him as father.

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