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Kia Stephens


January 18, 2015

Why God Allows Women to be Fatherless

January 18, 2015 | By | 31 Comments

There was a season in my adult life where I felt betrayed by God.  I could not understand why God created men and women with a desire to be fathered, but allowed them to grow up fatherless. It just didn’t make sense.  How could a loving God permit this to happen?

My view of God was shaped by my 3 sometimes more nights a week church attendance.  I was on a pew every Sunday (twice in one day), Tuesday and Wednesday.  It was ingrained in me to follow the rules and I tried (unsuccessfully).  As a result, I began to view Christianity as a contractual relationship where my performance became payment for answered prayers.

When my prayers went unanswered in my adult life I became disillusioned with God. He was no longer the good God of my youth, but a cruel manipulator, sitting high and crafting painful life experiences at will. God knew I would struggle, spending years in a perpetual cyclone of low self esteem, anger, bad relationships, and depression. Why didn’t He just step in and alter my life?  He could have.   God in His infinite power could supply every newborn baby girl with a loving father in an instant, but He doesn’t.


Does He not care?

Is He not concerned about the pain of millions of women (and men) all over the world?  

I was not the first person to ask these questions.  It was a repackaged version of,

“Why does God allow suffering?”






How can these horrible realities continue to persist in the presence of the almighty God?  Frustrated and questioning, I stepped into the ring and boxed with God for years.

I swung punches and He countered with gentleness.  I blamed Him and He loved me unconditionally. The final bell sounded and I went to my corner – defeated by a compassionate God.

What I Learned From  My Fight With God

  • Christianity is not rule worship and God can’t be pimped.

 I am flawed, broken, and in desperate need of a Savior.  My relationship with Christ is a passionate expression of my gratitude for Him embracing a sinner like me.  It is not a list of rules I follow with the expectation that Christ will do what I say in return.

“ I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live,  But Christ lives in me.  The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Galatians 2:20 (NIV)

  • Everyone has trouble ( even fathered women).

  Even if a girl grows up with the love and affirmation of her father she will still have challenges to overcome.  No one lives a life void of difficulties.

“… In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  John 16: 33 (NIV)

“. . .for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”  Matthew 5:45 (NIV)

  • Christ himself suffered for my sake (first).

If Christ bore rejection, shame, betrayal, loneliness, and pain beyond comprehension.  How can I expect not to have my own share of suffering?

“To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.”  1 Peter 2: 21 (NIV)

  • Suffering does not change the nature of God.  Period.

God loves me infinitely.  I cannot predicate His love for me on what He does or does not do.

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.  Jeremiah 31:3

The reality is, there are many things I will never do with my earthly dad.  But I have the opportunity to spend a lifetime and eternity being loved by my Heavenly Father.

“Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.” Psalms 27: 10

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” 1 John 3:1

  • Suffering has a purpose.

My “why me” mentality has turned into a “why not me” outlook.  If I had not experienced growing up without my father I would not be writing the very blog post you are reading today.  There is purpose in my pain – and yours too.

Joyce Meyers, one of my favorite authors, candidly described how the abuse of her childhood has meaning in her life today during one of her conferences.

“My father, whom I was supposed to be able to trust, who was supposed to keep me safe, raped me a minimum of 200 times before I became 18.  Now how can that have happened to me and I stand here before you today, in the condition I am in today if God is not alive and well?  How is that possible without God?  . . When I tell you that I know what it is like to hurt you believe me.  When I. . . tell you that I am healed and whole and sane and well, . . . I’ve got a great marriage of 43 years, . . . 4 kids that are serving God and 10 grandchildren . . . I love my life and I think I am being a value to the kingdom of God, then that gives you hope that God will do it for you. . . I want people to know how good God is and that your struggle is worth it. Your journey is worth it. Don’t give up.”

I don’t know what your fatherless experience has been but I do know none of your tears will be wasted!  

 You were not fathered for a purpose that only God knows.  I encourage you to take your boxing gloves off, step out of the ring and allow God to be the Father you long for.

Why Does God Allow Fatherlessness-

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those (fatherless daughters) who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  Matthew 8:28

 How has God taken the broken pieces of your life and made them beautiful?


  1. Thank you for posting this! There are so many teens with questions like this and no one is answering them. 🙁

    Coming with the Living Proverbs 31 Link-up,

    • Kate just as you see the need to speak to this issue, I did too. It is not just teens but so many women are hurting as it relates to the subject of father. Thank you for joining the conversation and please do share it with any woman or teen girl that needs it. Be blessed! – Kia

  2. Hey Kia … so refreshing to sit alongside you at Kelly’s today, to read your perspective, to say ‘yes, yes’ as I do so.

    I’m glad God allowed us to be next door … I look forward to getting to know you better, too!

    Blessings as we make our way through this week.

    Linda Stoll recently posted…Giveaway #2 ~ Nichole Nordeman’s ‘The Unmaking’ CDMy Profile

    • Thanks Linda. I feel compelled to speak God’s truth in this area to any woman who needs to hear it. Thank you for joining the conversation. Be Blessed! – Kia

  3. “Suffering does not change the nature of God.” I truly believe that’s the core of distrust in believers and unbelievers alike. What important truths you’re covering, not just for the “fatherless”, but for all of us who understand what it is to suffer. Your words are like a healing balm today, Kia. Thank you:)

    • Meg I definitely agree with you. I know I have struggled with understanding why God did not end my suffering and that of others. The beautiful truth I’ve discovered is that in time I am able to see His purposes for my suffering and I am actually thankful for it. Thank you for joining the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia

  4. Beautiful post! I so agree with you that everyone has pain, and knowing that Jesus is there with us as we walk through valleys of the shadow of death gives us hope. Many blessings to you ❤️

    • Beth many times pain can become a barrier to knowing God. For many years it was a barrier to me. It is my hope that this post will enable women to see and know that God is concerned about our pain and He has a greater purpose for it. Thanks for joining the conversation and sharing your input. Be blessed! – Kia

  5. Thankful for these words and your honesty, Kia! Glad to stop by via #Thought-Provoking Thursday today.

    He is sufficient, and He knows. That’s my constant reassurance, including with these issues -He knows so I don’t have to know it all to live on and live well. Just trust in Him who does.

    • I wrote this post but I so desperately need to remember those words too. I am learning to trust as well. Thanks for joining the conversation Bethany. Be blessed! – Kia

  6. Raw, vulnerable, and right on track.
    I find in my heart a believer in the prosperity gospel when it comes to my own response to hardship in this life. There’s nothing like trouble to show up the cracks in my theology.
    Michele Morin recently posted…Wisdom for Waiting: Ten Lessons from the Life of JosephMy Profile

    • This is true for me too Michele but God has not promised us a life void of trouble. I am grateful that He has promised to be with us through it. Be blessed! – Kia

  7. Great post, neighbor. “In this life no one gets a pain pass.” How true. Yet God is good, all the time. Blessings to you!

    • Thanks Mari-Anna! Although it seems some people may travel this life without pain it is just not true. But God’s nature remains constant. Thanks for joining the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia

  8. Wow! This is So powerful! My Dad died when I was 14 of Cancer. It was horrible. I asked all those same questions. It was especially hard because he was a great dad and wanted to be there for us and serve the Lord. But through it all God has shown me his sovereignty and been such a perfect father to me. He has shaped me into the woman I am “through” my father’s death. I am SO thankful I’ll see him again and have great memories with him…I know that’s not the
    case for everyone.

    God does take our brokenness and make it beautiful… I know he’s done it for me. Keep speaking words of truth and life!

    Linking up with you at #graceandtruthlinkup 🙂
    Rebekah recently posted…“Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full” Review and Giveaway!My Profile

    • Beautifully said Rebekah. I am so grateful for your heartfelt words. I can’t imagine what you experienced at 14 loosing a great father to cancer, but I am in awe of God sustaining grace in your life. Your honest reflection on the difficulty of loosing a dad to death is so needed. I know many women will value your words. Thanks for joining the conversation and be blessed! – Kia

  9. Really good stuff here, Kia. I love your quote about God turning the broken pieces into a portrait. Keep up the good work!

    • Thanks Robert. My quote comes from personal experience. It is truly amazing what God can do in an individual’s life. Thanks for joining the conversation today and be blessed! – Kia

  10. Kia, thank you for sharing this with us at Grace and Truth last week! These are powerful truths for anyone who experienced trauma or pain as a child, and even for us as adults. Loved this line here: “As a result, I began to view Christianity as a contractual relationship where my performance became payment for answered prayers.” Ah yes, I’ve been guilty of this, too – more often than I’d like to admit. I’m really enjoying your blog – keep at it! 🙂
    Jen @ Being Confident of This
    Jen recently posted…How to Persevere in LifeMy Profile

    • Jen, thanks for your encouragement. I sincerely hope those who have experienced or are experiencing pain as it relates to their fathers will be encouraged by this blog. The words I write truly come from my own journey with the subject matter. Where ever we may find ourselves on the father daughter relationship continuum I am thankful that God is able to remain intimately connected to us all. Thanks for joining the conversation today and be blessed! – Kia

  11. Kmy

    I’m 30. It hurts.


    • Hi Kim,

      Thanks for sharing your pain with me. I will be praying for you and a million times YES, Christ has overcome this world. I’ll be praying that you will know His grace is sufficient for you now and forever. Be blessed! – Kia

  12. This was a beautiful and powerful reminder about God’s promise to redeem our suffering as fatherless women. It greatly encouraged me, and I plan on sharing this with others!

    • Lauren God’s word is true in Psalms 27:10 “Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.” God will redeem the suffering of His daughters. Thanks so much for your constant support of this work. May you remain encouraged. I am always glad when you join the conversation and be blessed! – Kia

  13. Such an important message as we get closer to Father’s Day. My parents were married when I was a child, so I grew up in a two-parent household. Yet, he was absent in a number of ways emotionally, and sometimes physically. For me, it always demonstrated how people (like dads) will let you down, but our heavenly Father is perfect and always there. It’s given me a very strong faith foundation and I’m thankful.

    • Hi Traci, I am sorry that your father was not available for you. I am intimately acquainted with the ache this produces in a girl and a woman. In spite of your difficulties you have been able to see God as altogether different from your biological father. Good for you. I pray that God would absolutely overwhelm you with His audacious love for you and that every need that went unmet will be met in your Heavenly Father.

  14. This was beautifully said & written. These were the first words that came to my mind reading this. I have been asking “Why God” for decades and in the last couple months, finally saying “thank you” for my suffering & trials because it is what helps me to rely & cling to God. He says in 2 Corinthians 12:9 – “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I see how true this is in my own life and am so grateful for the grace, mercy, unconditional love, patience, peace and all that my Daddy in heaven gives me without hesitation. He is the perfect Father and He’s been helping me this last year to see Him in a new way and its been amazing! Thank you for sharing and I pray that these and God’s words will show many the way to their heavenly Father.

    • Wow, well said Colleen. God is the perfect Father and although this life is filled with things we will not understand God has a purpose for suffering. Thank you for your words and I am so honored you shared your heart with me. Be blessed! – Kia

    • Thank you Colleen for your honesty! 2 Corinthians 12: 9 is one my favorite scriptures. Maybe because I have felt weak often 🙂 . I too am grateful, not always, for my suffering. I know it has made me a better human and follower of Christ. Suffering has conditioned my eyes to see the needs of others who may be experiencing their own measure of suffering. I so appreciate your heartfelt sharing and pray that God would continue to strengthen you and grant you perspective as you experience suffering in your life. Be blessed! – Kia

  15. I grew up with a wonderful Father, but there are still times that I question God. I’ve been through tough stuff and I still wonder why it happens. Recently, a friend said to me that we are most able to help others from a place of brokenness. I know that to be true when I’m writing. The posts that God gives to me are generally from a place of brokenness from within me. What a great message!

    • So true Rosanna! We all have broken places but it is those very places where He heals us and then uses our healed hurts to heal others. It is a beautiful and amazing depiction of the love of God. Thanks for joining the conversation today Rosanna and be blessed! – Kia

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