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Kia Stephens


February 1, 2015

7 Reasons Why a Sex Act Won’t Soothe a Love Ache: Part I

February 1, 2015 | By | 16 Comments

“I’m not going to stop having sex,” a friend said confidently.  She, being a sexually active female with a don’t-challenge-me-on-this-issue-attitude.  And in that moment, I realized the much needed pedicure and estrogen connection had taken a detour we would not easily rebound from.

Our relationship had been birthed in confrontation. Honestly, I prefer to avoid difficult conversations like a bad stink, however, I tend to speak first, think later, and then deal with the consequences.  That is exactly what happened the day we became friends.

“Are you shacking?” I questioned about a year earlier.  To which she replied, “Yes,” and before I knew it,we began to engage in a discussion about her lifestyle choices. Surprisingly, the bridge between us wasn’t severed and a friendship was born.

So on the day of her what-you-gonna-do-about-it declaration it wasn’t like we had never talked about sex before. We both knew where the other stood on the issue.  She was simply daring me to step across the line towards combative communication.

I tried to respond gingerly but then she pulled out some surprise ammunition.  The basic tenor was that since I had not been sexually active prior to marriage I did not have grounds to speak.  My passion for purity did not resonate with her because it was not validated by a promiscuous past.

In the midst of thinking, “I know she didn’t just say that!,” I had a thought and I said it.  “Jesus didn’t have to have sex in order to speak to women who did,” I responded as an awkward silence followed.  Needless to say, there were no warm fuzzies when we said goodbye.  In fact, our parting gifts were battle scars from the heated verbal swap meet.  After that day I thought often about the words she said and the ones I didn’t.

I wish I had said it is not the act that qualifies me to speak but the ache – for I know it well.  The ache to be: loved, touched, held, affirmed, cherished, and valued.  I get it.  And though I did not cross the threshold of virginity prior to marriage, I had a string of regrets and bad decisions regarding male relationships, that stem (in part) from a longing I had for my father.  She had it too, but at that time she failed to make the connection between the act and the ache for her father’s affection.

So this series of blog posts is my best shoulda, woulda, coulda reply three years later.  I want you to know this response is not a harsh “thou shalt not fornicate” message with a pointed finger.  It is my attempt to counter (what I believe is) a potential root cause of unwanted pregnancies, STDs, a generation of fatherless men and women, and overwhelming heartache.  A sex act won’t soothe a love ache because:

  • Reason 1:  Multiple Sexual Partners is a Symptom Not a Cure
  • Reason 2:  Feelings Often Camouflage as Truth
  • Reason 3:  Sex is Not Love
  • Reason 4:  Sex Was Never Intended To Soothe A Love Ache
  • Reason 5:  Sex is Not Just Physical
  • Reason 6: Temporary Pleasure in the present Can Yield Negative Consequences in the Future
  • Reason 7: Premarital Sex Creates Barriers to Commitment

Reason 1:  Multiple Sexual Partners is a Symptom Not a Cure

In the March 2014 edition of Ebony Magazine, Annie Daly published an article about female sexual addiction.  The findings in this article were numbing.  Daly said,

“. . . the thrill that surrounds sex, not the act itself, which may not even be pleasurable, serves as a short-term fix that masks the bigger problem: an inability to connect, both with themselves and with others.”

The article went on to highlight African American women specifically because there are many absentee mothers and fathers and a lack of healthy relationship role models.

This is not always the case but for my friend it was true.  Her father had neglected and abandoned her and their relationship was severely damaged as a result.   Bill Gillham describes this behavior in his book Lifetime Guarantee.   

If overt affection from her dad is missing, she has a good chance of developing into an adult who has hang-ups about relating to males in a physical love relationship, either being sexually promiscuous or perhaps finding it difficult to relate easily to a husband, sons, or male friends.”

Again, I want to reiterate that this is not always the case but I have seen it played out in my own life.  Especially in my adolescent years.  I found myself in and out of relationships, often compromising who I was to gain (what I thought was) love from males who were incapable of giving it.  In an effort to break this detrimental cycle in my own life I had to begin to identify the lie backing my behavior.

  • I must be in a relationship to be satisfied, secure, significant and loved.

Embedded in this lie I found commonality with my friend.  The root cause of our actions was a desire to be loved.  Both of us had compromised physically to garner the love of a man; but it wasn’t love at all.  Love desires to give and not get, wait and not rush, and sacrifice rather than indulge.  Love looks, sounds, and feels like God.

His love alone is enough.

 Though it is sometimes difficult to grasp, God’s love can soothe our ache if we choose to continually abide in Him. When talking with the woman at the well, who had been married 5 times and in a relationship with a man who was not her husband, Jesus zeroed in on the ache in her soul.  He said,

“but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”  John 4: 14 (NIV)

 His words compel us to choose a love solution and not a sex fix to satisfy the ache in our soul.

Why a Sex Act Won't Soothe A Love Ache Quote


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  1. My passion for purity did not resonate with her because it was not validated by a promiscuous past.

    I wish I had said it is not the act that qualifies me to speak but the ache – for I know it well. The ache to be: loved, touched, held, affirmed, cherished, and valued. I get it.

    WOWOWOWOW. Teach, girlfriend, teach. These are the words of love being spoken with authority. THANK YOU. An entire generation is in such need of hearing your words, Kia.

    • Thanks Susan,

      God has truly has taken the mistakes of my past and turned it into a message. Thank you for your passionate and heartfelt words. I appreciate your encouragement – be blessed!

  2. Our generation needs to hear your words on this subject. Thank you for tackling such a bold topic with grace, Kia! I cannot wait for the rest of this series. Blessings, Tina

    • Tina it is a bold topic with such a bold need. I truly feel compelled to address the subject matter. Thanks for your sincere words and be blessed!

  3. Thank you Kia for words that SO need to be said. I affirm you greatly in the way you bring truth form all angles. You bring love to the forefront in a powerful way. I cheer you! Thank you for joining the #RaRalinkup on Purposeful Faith; you are a joy to read and a joy to have!

    • Thanks Kelly I truly appreciate you and the #RaRAlinkup women!

  4. Kia, what wise words on such a difficult subject. Thank you for sharing. #RaRaLinkup

  5. Where were you after I left high school??!
    This is beautiful. And I love that you are speaking the truth without condemning the ones who have taken the opposite path. We need more open and honest hearts like yours when it comes to this subject. Thank you for this <3 Visiting from raralinkup!

  6. Keep doing what you are doing, Kia. Keep speaking heart and truth into women seeking a Father’s love.

    • Thanks Suzie. I pray every woman that needs these words has an opportunity to read them. So glad you joined the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia

  7. I love your ministry, Kia. This post is more assurance that you’re speaking truth, bringing light into darkness. Keep going, my friend. #thoughtprovokingThursday
    Kristi Woods recently posted…#YourStory: Lanette HaskinsMy Profile

    • Thanks Kristi. I appreciate you encouragement. May every woman that needs these word reed them. Glad you connect with me today. Be blessed! – Kia

  8. Kia, this message is powerful, and I can say firsthand it is true.

    My husband and I both came from broken homes, and we desperately clung to each other before marriage, putting passion first. This choice affected the first decade of our marriage with a highly negative dynamic.

    We both agree it would have been better to wait, and that’s what we are going to recommend to our children. We are both working now to fill up their hearts with strong family love so they aren’t so desperate to seek it out from others through promiscuity.

    Thank you for your accurate, honest assessment of this cultural crisis. It’s a message that needs to be shared.
    Sarah Geringer recently posted…Be His FriendMy Profile

    • Wow Sarah, Thank you for being so vulnerable in your response. May you testimony impact all who need it. I love how God has taken a negative in your life and used it for His Glory! Even though you and your husband knew broken home how amazing is it that He has not only made you whole but given you an opportunity to impact the next generation through your kids. I love that! Thanks for joining the conversation today and BE BLESSED! – Kia

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