True Confessions of a Recovering HATER : Part I

Although I am not a YouTube junkie, if I come across a video series, something compels me to watch them all.  Three hours later I’m wondering where the time went.   This happened recently when I stumbled across Sarah Jake’s Lost and Found Webisodes.

Immediately, I was captivated by her very bold and raw truth.  Sarah’s story was intriguing: daughter of world renowned T.D. Jakes, pregnant at 13, and divorced.  Initially, I was lured by curiosity, but I was soon gripped by a confession we both shared.

In episode 7 Sarah was the featured speaker at a Sister Accord Luncheon in Atlanta, Georgia.  After the introductory bio was read she began her talk with a surprisingly honest statement.

“. . . I am a reformed hater . . .   I had this thing when I was younger – because I was so insecure . . . – that I tried to pick out (the) flaws (of)  other people. . .  Someone just couldn’t have it all together. . . I had to find a way to knock them down. . .  It was something that I dealt with for a very long time. . .  My own personal struggle with loving myself made me create these different  issues that I saw with other young women.  And it wasn’t until much later in life that I realized, it really wasn’t anything wrong with them (but) there was a lot wrong with me.”

Sarah’s confession provoked me to deal with the truth. I was a hater – not yet reformed.  And the source of my hate was insecurity.

Insecurity in a woman has many root causes; one of those is the absence of the father in a girls life. Author and psychologist, Dr. James Dobson says, “a daughter’s sense of self-worth and confidence is linked directly to her relationship with her dad.  What he thinks about her and how he expresses his affection is a central source of her perceived value as a human being.” My own battle with insecurity drove me to secretly tear other women down in order to build myself up.

Ironically, I’ve been on the receiving end enough to understand the need to eradicate this behavior.  I remember being an impressionable freshmen in college experiencing this painful tactic first hand.  I made a comment to a woman I deemed pretty popular on campus.  Trying to  make conversation I said, “I have those shoes.”  Her response was, “Are your’s Nine West (the less expensive brand)?”  “Yes,” I replied.  To which she responded, “Mine are Via Spiegel.” And then there was silence.

I call it nice nasty, but I can’t even begin to judge her because I have done it too.  In fact some of mine have been worse.  My dirt has been done in secret in an effort to maintain a good Christian persona.

In her book, So Long Insecurity, Beth Moore describes the painful ramifications of living like this.  “Insecurity will rob us of some of the richest woman-to-woman relationships of our lives.  It turns potential friends into competitors.   It can also cause us to pursue associations out of some unwell or impure motives.”

I don’t want to spend my life seeking a quick low- self esteem fix by competing with women I could be friends with.

The only reason I would compete with another woman’s beauty, career, home, number of degrees and the like, is because I do not know who I am.  And the truth is, who I am is much larger than the way I look in a bathing suit, the neighborhood I live in, or the brand of shoes I’m wearing.Who I am is defined by my Creator.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139: 13 – 14

But if I’m honest I will admit that I’ve known that scripture for a long time and still returned to the detrimental behaviors of comparison, envy, jealousy, and coveting throughout my walk with Jesus.  So what is the solution?  What can a professed hater do to change?  In my own recovery journey I have found 10 steps to be helpful.

10 Steps to Becoming a Reformed Hater

Step 1: Own My Truth

Step 2: Celebrate the Success of Others

Step 3: Refuse to Compare

Step 4: After You Own It Confess It Too

Step 5: Do the Introspective Work

Step 6: Be Changed By God’s Word

Step 7:  Have Brutally Honest Communication with God Often

Step 8:  Be Thankful

Step 9:  Pray It Forward

Step 10: Fight For It

In saying steps, I don’t want to give you the impression that the journey has been linear.  On the contrary, in my step following, I have jumped around, avoided, faked a few, and started over a bunch.  But even with my disorganized implementation, these steps have been powerful in my life.  Though not a guarantee for instant change they have significantly aided my transition from a hater in recovery to one that’s on the road to reformation.  Join me in the coming weeks as I unpack each of them.