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Kia Stephens

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June 10, 2015

Avoid This Pitfall Before You Say I Do

June 10, 2015 | By | 27 Comments

I was married for 8 years before I realized the tremendous mistake I made.  Haphazardly, I discovered it one Sunday morning as I sat listening to a singles message by Andy Stanley. “Nobodies looking for a woman with daddy wounds.” He said sarcastically.  “You got daddy wounds? Ah, I’m not interested in you. I want someone who comes into this  relationship roaring angry and blames me for everything she’s mad at her dad about. That’s  what I’m looking for.”

Initially, I assumed the message did not apply to me because I was married, but those words became the arrow and my soul the bulls eye.   As I sat in the balcony I wondered if anyone could tell I had the wounds he spoke about. What I failed to realize was the person who knew about my wounds was sitting next to me; I was married to him. “Do I do that?,” I asked (Even though I knew the answer). “Sometimes,” he responded ( being kind).

This week I am featured at Tirzah Magazine. Click here to finish this post.

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Comments

  1. Congrats on being featured. A really interesting topic. Hopping into the full post.
    Lux Ganzon recently posted…Oh My Gosh, Calaguas!My Profile

  2. Visiting from Modest Monday

    Really great post, I read it on the host site but wanted to come back and post here so you could see my comment. These are all very true points.

    liz @ sundays with sophie

    • Thanks for your comments Sophia. Be blessed! – Kia

  3. Kia, love this. Great post. I get it, I’ve lived it. As always, great to connect with you, girl! Love & Blessings!

    • Thanks for your honesty Micah. I think this is more common than not with many women. Be blessed! – Kia

  4. Many of us have “daddy wounds” but I’m thankful for a God who heals all wounds. Also thankful for a gracious husband. Blessed to be your neighbor from #RaRaLinkup.
    Samantha recently posted…When It Isn’t Time For Another OneMy Profile

    • So true Samantha. God is a wound healer. Be blessed! – Kia

  5. Love this post. I think every couple in premarital counseling should address mother wounds and father wounds. It would save a lot of misdirected anger and heartache in the most precious relationship God blesses us with on this earth.
    Dr. Michelle Bengtson recently posted…Learning From Pain and ExhaustionMy Profile

    • I would definitely agree with you Dr. Bengtson. The impact of our mother and father wounds in our formative years plays a major role in how we interact with our spouse. Be blessed! – Kia

  6. Kia, there is so much wisdom here. I think thought that it is important not to be too hard on ourselves. You know I’m sure when you were married you weren’t quite ready to deal with those daddy wounds. Isn’t God’s timing interning? At that appointed time and after those years of hurt God allowed you to peer into what was really going on. Perhaps your husbands honesty helped you realize this much more than you ever would have prior to marriage. I say this because I too got married way before I should have. I came into my marriage with lots of misconceptions (different ones and different issues) but had the tendency to feel like, “Why? Why did God allow me to enter into this relationship as such an amateur with so many foibles and faults? I was so unwise at the time.” But isn’t it interesting how God will allow us to walk through and open door and use that perhaps “wrong” door (at the time) to make us into the right person. To do something within us that would never have been done without that journey. I’m sure you husband has helped in that healing process. We all have parent wounds. Yours run deep, but we all have them. And many times like you said we do not even realize the breadth of them until we enter into the depths of a marriage. Its like the microscope that identifies what is causing us so much pain. This was a great post with lots of insight. I cannot tell you how much I agree with the idea of exposing every part of our soul *even those parts we fail to think God would ever care about to Him. To cast all our cares. All our cares on Him for the simple reason: because He cares for us. He really does. And that is hard to hang on to when a father or mother didn’t seem to care. Thank you for these words!
    Somer recently posted…I’d Pick YouMy Profile

    • Yes Somer, God is so sovereign and His timing is perfect. And quite honestly what the post did not reveal in this post, is that this journey has been more like an evolution for me, it didn’t start that Sunday morning. And ironically, in hindsight I am thankful for the way God has unfolded things in my life. He truly makes all things BEAUTIFUL! I so appreciate your words and I am glad you joined the conversation at the Father Swap Blog. Be blessed! – Kia

  7. Thank you so much for sharing this great post with us at Good Morning Mondays, It definitely gives me lots to think about. Welcome and I am looking forward to reading more of your posts. Blessings and have a great weekend.
    Terri Presser recently posted…SOUR CREAM APPLE CAKEMy Profile

    • Thanks for joining the conversation Terri. Be blessed! – Kia

  8. We all carry baggage into our marriages. Lord knows I had my own ugly stuff. But you know what? So did he. So we’re both messed up and we both need Jesus badly.

    • Debbie, I definitely understand bringing baggage into a marriage and the tremendous need for Christ. In saying that, I wrote this post as an encouragement for engaged or single women so they could begin to process any daddy wounds prior to saying “I do”. Thanks for joining the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia

  9. Very intriguing and spot-on post. Thank you for sharing your experiences so we can ponder our own life, grow, overcome and change for the better. Stopping by from Grace & Truth Link Up Party. Carrie, A Mother’s Shadow

    • Yes Carrie may we become better as we reflect on our early influences and look to Christ. So glad you joined the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia

  10. Wow, what a great post! This is a call to action to look deep in our hearts! Thanks for encouraging. I’m visiting you from The Weekend Brew Link Up. Blessings

    Tayrina from
    http://www.atinymixof.com
    Tayrina recently posted…5 Faith Blogs that will Encourage YouMy Profile

    • Thanks Tayrina, glad you joined the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia

  11. Your words blessed me deeply this morning. The truth of what you were dealing with as well as how it can affect a marriage spoke loudly. These are words I would love to share with my son’s almost fiancee who needs to learn the love of her own dad as well as our Father. I will be praying how I can gently share these words with a grace filled heart. Blessed to have you join us at The Weekend Brew.
    Mary Geisen recently posted…Life’s Rhythms… The Weekend BrewMy Profile

    • Mary thank you for your heartfelt encouragement. I pray your soon-to-be daughter in-law will be receptive to the words in this blog. I hope it will impact her and give her a strong foundation for her marriage to your son. Thanks for joining the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia

  12. Kia…what an excellent post. It’s amazing how we will take into our marriage baggage from our lives before. Thank you for the encouragement and for sharing at Monday’s Musings.

    • Naomi that is so true. Whatever we don’t deal with as single women, jumps right into our marriage and wreaks havoc. I am so thankful God is able to heal all wounds. Thanks for joining the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia

  13. What a great post! I’m in that 9th year of marriage, and also still uncovering some wounds. It has been very helpful to our marriage too.
    Karen recently posted…Why I’m a Big Fan of Opposite-Sex, Christian, Monogamous MarriageMy Profile

    • Karen I completely understand. Sometime marriage is like peeling an onion 🙂 Thankfully we are not dealing with our wounds on our own. Thanks for joining the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia

  14. I love your honesty and willingness to go deep and into the hard places, Kia. Thank you for sharing with us at #RaRaLinkup. Praying God’s blessings on you now!

    • Thanks Angela. I believe many women live in these deep and hard place and it is my sincere hope that they find encouragement in these words. So glad you joined the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia

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