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Kia Stephens


September 18, 2016

What Cosmo Won’t Tell You About Great Sex

September 18, 2016 | By | 12 Comments

As a culture we are fascinated by sex.  And somewhere sitting on the top floor of a New York City skyscraper is a marketing executive that knows this about you and I.  Which explains why every time we buy groceries our eyes are bombarded by the latest and unapologetically audacious title on the cover of Cosmo.

9 Ways to Tease Him And Please Him

The Foreplay Men Crave

5 Types of Sex Every Man Should Have

What Separates Average Sex From Great Sex

Consequently, we find ourselves either disgusted by the brashness of the magazine cover, or lured in overtly (or in secret).  However we respond to these racy headlines, we cannot deny the fact that there is an audience for this content.   Whether she is a 20 something single or a middle aged professional looking to spice things up a bit; this woman wants to have better sex.

With topics covering every how-to bedroom fantasy it would seem as if Cosmo had a corner on the subject.  For the pleasure seeking woman looking to find a practical guide on intimacy, she need only look as far as the nearest Target checkout line. Unfortunately, the content shared in the magazine generally leaves out a vital piece of information.

I stumbled upon it while doing research on fatherless daughters and their relationships with men.  What I discovered left me questioning why we are not adding this detail in bold print to every magazine article on intercourse. Every time I see yet another sexually explicit commercial, or hear some tween singing the lyrics to the latest provocative tune I question the mixed messages popular culture is communicating about physical intimacy.

I am even more perplexed when I see the role sex plays in the life of a fatherless daughter.  Author Jonetta Rose Barras noted this in her book “Whatever Happened to Daddy’s Little Girl: The Impact of Fatherlessness on Black Women”.  

She says, “Too often, women who are wounded by the loss of their fathers through death, divorce, or abandonment go from man to man, from bed to bed, calling sex “love” and hoping to be healed by the physical closeness.”   



This reality impacts young girls as well.  According to the National Fatherhood Initiative, teens without fathers are twice as likely to be involved in early sexual activity and seven times more likely to get pregnant as an adolescent.  In an over sexed culture that says, “Have as much as you want, with whomever you want, whenever you want,” we we need to begin to take a closer look at the physiological ramifications for this behavior.



When a woman has sex with a man the hypothalamus area of her brain is activated, releasing the hormone oxytocin into the bloodstream.  Known as “the love hormone”, it promotes bonding and binds women emotionally to their partner.  Mark Gungor, pastor and top marriage and family speaker, had this to say about oxytocin in his marriage curriculum, “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage”,  Women who have multiple sexual partners start releasing less and less oxytocin.”  

The potential result overtime is an inability to attach and connect to one man sexually for the rest of her life.  This is concerning as more and more women are discarding abstinence as an archaic and patriarchal chain and exchanging it for casual sex or periodic monogamy.  Clearly, anyone who disagrees with this view must ascribe to an outdated Flintstone doctrine that is not relevant in the 21st century.

And that would be me, pulling into the driveway with my stone wheels and waving at Fred and Wilma.  I believe the apostle Paul was communicating this rarely talked about physiological truth when he said,

“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.”  1 Corinthians 6:18 (NIV)

God wants us to wait not because He is in opposition to sex; He created it.  God wants us to wait because He knows the psychological and physiological consequences we will experience if we don’t.  His desire is for us to have His best in the area of our sexual relationship.  This is not relegate to a new tip or trick learned in the latest edition of Cosmo, but to the design He has outlined in his word.


Great sex happens in the marriage bed between a faithful and committed man and woman.  In this sacred place God commissioned oneness.  With each sexual encounter this is fostered overtime as oxytocin super glues and cements a couple together.  

  Although his perspective isn’t popular or plastered across the front of magazine covers, it is one worth paying attention to.  God, the creator of all things, including sex, knows what is best for mankind and for this reason we should place the wisdom He freely offers above that given by Cosmo.

Join me next Thursday for an eye opening interview with Keisha Polonio.

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  1. Such a great post for the modern day christian family. I hope many young men and women can come across this message!
    Sue recently posted…Fall Bucket ListMy Profile

    • Thanks Sue. This is a difficult subject to talk about but it must be talked about. Thanks for joining the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia

  2. Wow! This is some powerful stuff here! I love your bold headline and well researched article! God bless you as you spread His truth!
    Liz recently posted…My Father’s MemoriesMy Profile

    • Thanks Liz. Truth is bold and powerful. So glad you joined the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia

  3. Kia – this is such a great post and so relevant for today. Thank you for writing about this topic.. my prayer is the younger generation will listen to and heed your advice. Such truth is written in this post. Blessings your neighbor from #MondayMusings linkup

    • Thanks Debbie. It is always difficult writing about such a controversial topic but I deemed this message one that needed to get out. Hopefully every woman that needs it will read it. Thanks for joining the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia

  4. Thank you for “going there.” xo
    Susan Shipe recently posted…compassion is our only hope!My Profile

    • Thanks Susan. The subject matter is one Christian bloggers should not shy away from. Glad you joined the conversation today and be blessed! – Kia

  5. Preach it!
    This is a terrific and well-researched piece of writing!
    Michele Morin recently posted…A Study in PerseveranceMy Profile

  6. Fantastic article, Kia! I love what you are doing here to minister to women. I pray your words fall into the hands of many and God moves their heart to see truth and gives them the courage to make change!
    Thank you so much for sharing hope with us at #MomentsofHope!
    Blessings and smiles,
    Lori Schumaker recently posted…A Prayer to Receive God’s Grace {Moments of Hope Link-Up}My Profile

  7. Thanks for addressing this. Everything is given a sexual connection or connotation. And frankly, most of that Cosmo stuff is unhealthy for anyone who wants to serve the Lord purely in mind and spirit.

    • Edith, this post came from being so annoyed with those magazines in the checkout line at the grocery store. I think we forget that God create sex and He has more to say about it than any tips we can get in Cosmo. Thanks again, dear friend for joining the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia

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